The Gold Star Method

I've been thinking a lot about change lately. For one thing, it's the beginning of a brand-new year (Welcome to the Future!). For another, it has become very clear to me that the main purpose of my job is to help people create change in their lives. I don't erase the world's illnesses with magical natural substances (as wonderful as that would be), nor do I open the door to some esoteric knowledge that allows those around me to rise to a higher state of consciousness. Quite simply, I assist my clients in choosing the things they would like to change, and then I help them find the tools, and the will, to make those changes.

Which leads me to ponder, once again, the question of how best to encourage change. We hear a lot about negative methods--"If I don't lose five pounds by Wednesday, I cannot eat anything that tastes good. Ever." Advertising is full of supposedly positive messages built around a core of self-loathing "You would feel so much better, if only you could..." "You deserve to look this good! (Why don't you?)" and so forth. Negative methods are certainly familiar, but are they effective? I'm not so sure.

Without the tools of punishment or self-abasement, how can we create change? We all choose goals that should make us feel better, in and of themselves. But if the goal is too large, too unattainable, we set ourselves up for failure, right from the start. This is the classic problem with New Year's Resolutions. We make a Great Big Promise to make a Great Big Change in our lives, and when that change doesn't materialize, we have a Great Big load of Guilt to add to our pile. Happy New Year!

Last month I visited my youngest nephew and his family. He is nearly four years old, and like a lot of people his age, he has a chart on his refrigerator. The chart lists the things that he is meant to do every day, and each time he does one of those things, he gets a check mark. When he has enough check marks, he gets a sticker on his chart. Does this sound familiar? My nephew gets rewarded, in a small but tangible way, each time he does the things he needs to do--gets himself dressed, brushes his teeth, says "thank you", and so forth. His small reward teaches him that it's good to do these things, and over time, these things become habits. Good habits, at that.

The Gold Star Method--do the thing you're supposed to do, get a star. Collect enough stars, and you've earned yourself a new good habit. When I thought about it a little more, I realized I'd used this method a lot in my own life--developed a strong Yoga practice, worked up to running two miles a day, studied for Board exams, rehearsed for endless performances... In November, I even met a huge writing goal this way. (See Nanowrimo for a wonderful approach to self-motivation.)

When we're talking about making changes for better health, and a better life, what you do matters much more than what you didn't do. If you go for a walk three days this week, be proud of those three days; don't waste your time berating yourself about the other four. The fact that you did walk matters so much more than the fact that you should have walked more.

We've talked about 30-day challenges before. This month, instead of a challenge, here is my offer to you: choose a habit you'd like to create in your life. Then do that thing, as much as you can. If you collect seven check marks--representing seven days of your good habit--come and see me (or send me a message). I'll give you a Star. We can repeat this as many times as you like. I have a lot of stars on hand.

Oh yeah, here's what I'm intending to do more of in 2008: Yoga. Write. Create. Give out lots and lots and lots of Gold Stars.